I’ve wanted to write
about my experience at the FrnkIero and the Cellabration show in November for a
while now but I just couldn’t find the right words. Even now as I type this, I’m
wracking my brain trying to properly express just what I felt and it still
doesn’t seem like I can perfectly explain it, but that’s okay.
“Happiness” is the
first word that comes to mind when I think of that night- just pure,
unadulterated happiness. Before that night I don’t think I had truly
experienced happiness, at least not on that level. As I stood in the audience
looking up at one of my heroes, singing along to my favorite song, I felt the
tears that I had been holding back since he stepped foot on the stage finally
fall. It was like after all these years, I was finally living. I had never felt
more alive than I did in that moment.
As I’ve mentioned on
here before, I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life. Some days
are better than others but when it gets dark it’s hard to imagine finding the
light again. Those dark moments just become a part of your daily life. No
matter how big or small the issue might seem mental illness has a way of making
everything seem like a life or death situation. A simple task like having to go
to the administration building on campus made me feel like I was walking to the
guillotine. Moments of having so much built up anxiety that you can’t feel
parts of your body, breaking down in the middle of your room and clutching your
chest, trying to pull yourself out of an anxiety attack because you’re in
public and people will ask questions all become part of who you are. Then there
are the moments the darkness consumes you and you feel numb, and that’s when it
gets scary.
After feeling
hopeless for so long it’s hard to imagine feeling anything else. It was like, “this
is just how it is. This is my life and I just have to cope.” One of my proudest
moments was when I finally found the strength to kick my addiction to self
harm, but even after being clean for six years I still wasn’t living- just
existing.
This brings us back
to that faithful night in November when I saw Frank Iero, who’s been one of my
biggest influences for years. Iero’s music has played a huge part in my life,
inspiring me whenever I needed that extra spark when things got dark. After
feeling hopeless for long, I never imagined something so amazing happening to
me. The level of happiness I felt at that show, and even afterwards when I was
able to look into his eyes and shake his hand, was unlike anything I had ever
felt before. I just remember thinking, “wow, I’m so glad I kept myself alive to
experience this.” That’s when it hit me.
I knew there was a
reason I was keeping myself alive, I just hadn’t found it yet. It wasn’t until
I was face to face with my hero that I realized it was happiness. I never
imagined that I could feel so happy, and more importantly- happy to be alive.
Afterwards, I was so inspired; I wanted more moments like that. For the first
time in a while I was excited for the future, to see what more life has in
store for me. I’m so glad I didn’t end things when I wanted to because then I
would have never been able to experience what was one of the happiest days of
my life. Even now, months after the show I’m still inspired to keep myself
alive to create more moments like that.
There’s a collection
of moments that I hold near and dear to my heart that give me hope to keep on
living, this show is at the top of the list. Even when mental illness rears its
ugly head, I’m reminded of happy times and the happiness that’s yet to come.
Moments like seeing my heroes perform, down to small victories like pulling myself
out of bed in the morning. I knew that finally seeing Frank Iero would be
special but I had no idea just how it would change my life. The phrase “think
happy thoughts” that I have inked onto my wrist has new meaning. It reinforced
just how important it is to keep yourself alive, because even when it feels
like all hope is lost there’s so much more beauty in the world and you should
be alive to experience it.
This doesn’t even
begin to describe just how grateful I am for Frank and how he continuously inspires
me. So I’ll end with these two-
Thank You.
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