P.S I’m now calling my October blog series
“Blogtoberfest” cause I’m creative af (ok in all seriousness, I just felt like
it needed a title so here we are).
You know those adorable couples posted all
over your Instagram feed? The ones that look hopelessly in love? And as the
cherry on top of the teeth-rotting sweetness, there’s a cutesy caption filled
with some quirky anecdote of their unconditional love for each other?
Yeah, this is none of that. The people on
this list are to be filled under “Do Not Date Under Any Circumstances” because
they are the definition of “toxic.” You wouldn’t want to bring any of them home
to mama.
Seriously, if any of these people had a
Tinder account, you would want to swipe left. Let’s begin.
Billy Loomis (Scream). “I was watching The
Exorcist. It got me thinking of you.” Okay, even though those exact words are
the way to my heart, I’m still swiping left. Our boy Billy, charmed his way
into Sydney Prescott’s heart and then proceeded to ruin her life. If you’ve
never watched Scream (what are you even doing with your life?) then spoiler
alert: Billy manipulated his friend Stu into helping him kill her mom, her best
friend, most of the high school and townspeople, and then tried to kill her. Adorable,
right? He would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling
reporter and her Deputy boyfriend. He’s still so fine though.
Patrick Bateman (American Psycho). If his
random fits of rage don’t turn you off, his narcissism and pompous attitude
will. Patrick Bateman has a knack for being a successful businessman and an axe
wielding maniac. But damn if he doesn’t look good while doing it. He’s charming
and handsome so you want him to take you home, you just might be leaving in a
body bag afterwards. If he starts talking about music – run.
Baby Firefly (House of 1,000 Corpses/The
Devil’s Rejects). She’s gorgeous, fun and completely deranged. She’s a total
catch – if you ignore the body parts in the fridge, the bodies stuffed under
the crawl space, the dead body in her bed, the people her family sacrificed to
Dr. Satan, her love of cannibalism and necrophilia, the –
Otis Driftwood (House of 1,000 Corpses/ The
Devil’s Rejects). Oh look, another member of the Firefly family. Otis has this unique
handsome-ness and witty air that makes him quite likeable. He’s charismatic and
kinda cool, except for the whole murder thing. I mean, if you’re into dudes
that enjoy stringing girls up and torturing them and skinning other people’s
faces and wearing them around then by all means – go for it. (Or don’t. Please
don’t).
The Jackal (Thirteen Ghosts). Y’all, I don’t
know why he’s my favorite, he just is. Backstory- “The Jackal” is the ghost of
Ryan Kuhn, a man with an insatiable love for attacking women. After checking
himself into an institution, he went a little…insane? Clawing at his face,
scratching the walls till his fingers bled. After attacking a nurse, they put
him in a straightjacket – which he eventually gnawed through. They had no
choice but to put his head in a cage-like helmet. Kuhn eventually died as a
result of a fire that broke out in the institution. Again, I have no idea why
he’s my favorite but I remember distinctly tracking down a man dressed as The
Jackal at a haunted attraction once just to get a photo with him.
Norman Bates (Psycho). Now, I’m all for a guy
that loves his mama, but this was too much. Darn those boyish-good looks.
Norman seems harmless enough, if you forget the whole dressing up as his dead
mother and killing people thing.
Tiffany (Bride of Chucky). Jennifer Tilly is
a total babe and I want her wardrobe from this film. After Chucky transfers her
soul into a doll, and going on a killing spree, the two get hitched. Chucky
realizes he has a good thing going on and puts a ring on it (even though the
ring came from the newlyweds they’d recently murdered but we’ll just overlook
that). And after the major makeover she gave the doll, can you blame him?
Barbie is shook.
Jennifer Check (Jennifer’s Body). You know
what – never mind. You keep doing you, boo. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
George Lutz (The Amityville Horror). Okay, in
his defense he didn’t know that the demons that inhabited the house would
possess him. He still tried to kill his entire family, so he’s still getting
blocked on all social media accounts. But damn, he’s nice to look at.
Got any horror crushes of your own? Leave em
in the comments!
Those Fireflys 😘😍
ReplyDeleteGirl YES! So bad, but still oh so good.
Deletehoror hah
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