In light of the recent influx of news regarding celebrities committing suicide, I think it’s important to open the floor to discuss mental health. It’s startling to see the number of recent suicides in the news. Even in my personal life, I recently discovered someone close to my family killed themselves. It’s important that we keep the discussion on mental health and suicide prevention alive at all times – not just when a celebrity kills themselves or when the new season of 13 Reasons Why is released.

Why you may ask? Because we need to normalize mental illness in order to lessen the stigma surrounding it. One of the first things you hear someone say after news breaks of, yet another suicide is “they seemed fine! I guess you never really know what someone is going through.” And that’s right, you never truly know what someone is going through unless they tell you and quite often the person in question isn’t going to talk about what they’re going through because mental illness is so stigmatized in society. For example, if someone has a sore throat they have no problem explaining that to people. Same if you have a cold or any other physical aliment. Now say you’re having an off day or you’re experiencing any other number of symptoms resulting from your mental illness, how often do you tell others how you’re feeling? Too often do those suffering put on a brave face or simply give a vague response like “I’m just tired.” Because that’s easier than saying it’s because of your mental illness.

It’s too common for those living with mental illness to suffer in silence because of how society treats mental health. Instead of being met with understanding they’re met with hostility, disbelief, or they’re simply shrugged off. This stigma stems from the general lack of knowledge on mental health and the portrayal of mental health in the media. The portrayal of mental health is often over-saturated images of sad teens and broken hearts, dramatized suicide scenes used for shock value, and characters like Hannah Baker that use suicide as a revenge method. You see someone talking about mental health and the comments range from “what do they have to be depressed about?” “How could they leave behind their family?” “We all get sad sometimes”.

Yeah, that’s not how mental illness works.

Mental illness doesn’t give a shit who you are, what you do, how much money you have, NONE of that matters. Mental illness will still creep into your life, poison your mind, and then act like it didn’t just shit on your entire life. Depression is not just “feeling sad”, it’s feeling so fatigued that you’re too tired to take care of yourself. It’s neglecting your responsibilities and self-care because you just can’t find the motivation or energy and you don’t care about the consequences. Anxiety is more than getting stressed out. It’s dread and panic seeping into your chest and tightening its grip till you can’t breathe. Bipolar Disorder is more than “mood swings.” People can experience Bipolar Disorder in a number of ways. Schizophrenia is not the image that media and entertainment has painted. It’s not people that are “violent”, “unstable”, or constantly have delusions or hallucinations. The media as mentioned before, tries to portray over-saturated depictions of mental health, showing schizophrenics as “insane” and suffering from psychotic episodes instead of showing the other symptoms associated with the disorder.

The more you educate yourself on mental health, the better the discussion can be. Discussing mental health should be as common as telling someone you have the flu. We need to be able to open the floor to these topics so that those living with mental illness feel more comfortable with talking about it. If we keep stigmatizing mental illness, those suffering will continue to fear talking about the things they deal with and as a result, more people will continue to suffer alone in fear of how others will react or treat them. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to admit you need help and to seek help. It’s okay to reach out and go to therapy, counselling, etc. It’s okay to take medication. You are valid, and you should not be shamed for living with mental illness.

We’ve got to do better. We’ve got to end the stigma and start spreading knowledge, compassion, and understanding. We can’t allow those suffering to be ignored, bashed or met with judgement. Suicide prevention starts with us. If someone opens up to you, listen and try to understand what they’re going through. Don’t wait until there’s another headline or hashtag to make an effort.

Reach out to your friends and family. Let them know you hear them, you care about them, and you need them to still be here. Some people find comfort in calling hotlines and talking to strangers because it’s easier for them but there are many others that will not pick up the phone and call a number to talk to someone they don’t know. Let your loved ones know they can trust you to listen and be there for them. For those living with mental illness: please, do not be afraid to tell someone you’re hurting, or you need help. I would rather spend hours listening to someone talk about their problems than for them to feel hopeless and lost.

I know that fall doesn’t officially start until September 22^nd, but it’s already fall in my heart. I’ve been surrounding myself with all things fall and Halloween for the past few weeks so I’m more than ready for summer to be over and for fall to begin. Once they start stocking the pumpkin spice and the Halloween décor in stores – It’s fall. I don’t care what anyone else says.

McKenna Kaelin, YouTuber and fellow fall lover, recently uploaded another autumn tag on her channel which inspired this post. She comes up with the questions herself and her channel has a couple of autumn tags as well as other fall related videos. Her channel also features beauty, fashion, DIY's and advice videos. You should definitely check out her channel Simply Kenna, she’s totally adorable and I love her aesthetic.

Without further adieu, grab yourself a PSL and let’s get into the questions.

1.       Favorite autumn quote? “Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.” – George Eliot. This quote resonated with me from the moment I read it. Autumn is by far; my favorite season and I very much believe that my soul is connected to it. I’m at my happiest in the fall time. I love everything about the season from the cool weather and the colors, to the fall drinks and spooky vibes.

2.       Favorite thing to do on a rainy day? I love rainy days, especially in the fall. We have one of those glass screen doors so on rainy days, I love the open up the front door and drink coffee in the living room and look outside. We also have a tin roof so the sound of the rain hitting the roof is very peaceful. It’s also a great spot to sit and read as well. Another thing I love to do is wrap up and spend the day watching scary movies. Dark, rainy days are the perfect setting for horror films. 

3.       Favorite scarf? Blanket scarves are my absolute favorite. They’re huge and comfy and they compliment so many looks. My favorite among my collection is this red and navy blue plaid scarf that I got last Christmas. Red and navy is one of my favorite combinations so I love putting together outfits and accessorizing with this. Plus, I believe it was less than $6 so that's always a good thing.

4.       Favorite autumn themed TV series? The first thing that popped in my head was Twin Peaks. I know it’s not exclusively “autumn themed” but it’s filled with that dark, misty fall scenery that I love so much. It’s also full of mystery and supernatural elements so it adds to that dark, autumn vibe.

5.       Favorite autumn themed movie? So, I’m going to be completely cliché and say Casper and Hocus Pocus. Those are two of my all-time favorite films to watch in the fall and they’re filled with scenes of bright fall foliage, chilly weather, flannels and sweaters, and of course- Halloween. For me, these are two quintessential autumn films. These films always put me in such a great mood because they remind me of everything I love about fall. Plus, I’ve always wanted a black cat named Binx and if you say you didn’t have a crush on Casper in his human form when you were little you’re lying. Honorable mentions: The Amityville Horror and Dead Poets Society.

6.       Favorite autumn themed book? This isn’t technically autumn themed but one of my favorite books to read in autumn is Tar Heel Ghosts. Ghost stories are among my favorite things to read, especially when they’re stories that have some truth to them. Tar Heel Ghosts is a collection of haunting from different parts of North Carolina. As a kid, my mom and my aunt would tell my cousins and me different stories from the book that they enjoyed and I finally got the book for myself when I was in middle school. One of my favorite things was sitting around with my family on cool, autumn nights and sharing scary stories so this book always makes me feel nostalgic. Personal favorite from the book: "Blood on the Apples".

7.       If you could have a familiar, what would it be? Hands down, it would be a cat. I’m such a cat person and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been compared to a cat. Cats are picky when it comes to being affectionate, they’re sassy and they ultimately just do as they please. Specifically, if I were to have a familiar it would be this specific cat that I already have this weird, unspoken bond with. I like to go for walks at the cemetery near my gym and there’s this small, grey cat that hangs out there and he likes to join me on my walks. Almost every time I go to the cemetery, he’s been there. I think he might belong to one of the houses in the neighborhood beside the gym based on the fact that he’s so comfortable with people. So yeah, my familiar would definitely be graveyard cat.

8.       One place you wish you could visit in the fall? Salem, Massachusetts. I’ve seen so many beautiful photos of Salem in autumn and I would love to see it for myself. I’ve been obsessed with witchy things since I was a kid and Salem is filled with so many interesting places to visit such as The Witch House, the Salem Witch Museum, Count Orlok’s Nightmare Gallery, the Salem Witch Village, and so much more. They also have a number of ghost walks and tours where you can explore the more haunted areas of Salem and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge fan of haunted history so these are right up my alley.

9.       Have you purchased any autumn décor yet? I started stalking the stores as soon as I got word that there was autumn and Halloween décor on the shelves. This is my favorite time to buy décor because I’m someone that has Halloween décor out all year round. So far, I’ve picked up a couple pieces from Michael’s to add to my vanity – a mirror held by a skeleton hand and a stack of books with “curses, spells, and potions” written on the side. I also picked up a gold skull from Target and some purple lights. As the stores continue to add more décor, I’ll continue to add to my collection.

10.   Favorite photograph you took last autumn? My favorite photo is probably the photo of my friends and I with Freddy Kruger that we took before going into Spookywoods. Every year, my friends and I get together and go to a haunted attraction and Spookywoods is one of our favorites. Another photo I love is the photo we took in the graveyard we visited after we left Spookywoods. Because why not visit a graveyard on Halloween night?

11.   Three songs that remind you of autumn? My first pick is "Empty Picture Frames" by Real Friends. It's filled with references of Autumn, mixed with those good old, pop punk vibes. Second, is "Home For Fall" by Real Friends. Honestly, if Real Friends doesn’t fill you with nostalgia and angst then you’re not living your life right. This song makes me miss old flames that I didn’t even have. They have me sitting on the porch in a flannel, watching the leaves fall, hoping they’ll come back to me. Third, I have to go with "Great Romances of the 20^th Century" by Taking Back Sunday. Another great love song with fall elements. I love everything about Taking Back Sunday so they’re great for pretty much any and everything.

12.   Things you associate with fall? Bright leaves, cozy nights, pumpkin patches, Reese’s pumpkins, pretty much all-things pumpkin. Lots of plaid, boots, horror movies on every channel. Haunted houses and trails.

13.   Dream Halloween costume? There’s a ton of different costumes I want to put together but one of my top picks is probably Beetlejuice. I love going all out for Halloween and I think Beetlejuice would be a ton of fun. It’ll give me an excuse to be creative and get new pieces for my special effects kit.

14.   What are you being this year? I’m going to be everyone’s favorite best friend till the end, Chucky the doll. I’ve always been a fan of the Child’s Play franchise and I’ve dressed as Tiffany before but I’ve never once dressed as Chucky. I think it’s definitely time to change that.

That’s a wrap! I wanna thank McKenna for creating this tag and inspiring this post. Don’t forget to check out her channel and feel free to do this tag yourself! 

With the news of Chester Bennington’s death weighing heavy on the hearts of people across the world, I think it’s important that we have a discussion about mental health. Mental health affects everyone differently, and for some it’s like being trapped inside a living nightmare. Living with mental illness is never easy; sometimes it feels like it’s eating away at you on a daily basis. While the affects of mental illness can be tough, talking about it and getting help can be even harder.

My own experiences with mental illness are full of ups and downs. Everyday it’s like a war inside my head. As cliché as that sounds, there’s really no other way to describe it, my anxiety and depression are constantly butting heads. I’m either on the verge of a panic attack or I’m fighting to find the strength to get out of bed. I either feel everything or nothing at all. My depression however, is the real demon in my life. Sucking out every ounce of happiness till there’s nothing but a deep ache in my chest and an overwhelming sadness that feels like it’s never going to end. It’s that nagging voice inside your head that says “it’s never going to get better so why not end things now and save yourself the trouble?”  For a while I was able to ignore that voice till I finally let it get the best of me and I had a relapse a few months ago. Mental illness has left me scarred, both physically and mentally. No one should have to endure that pain alone which is why getting help is so important.

Nobody ever wants to talk about mental health. It’s become this taboo subject that people are ashamed to discuss in fear of being judged and it only contributes to the pain. The stigma surrounding mental health has got to end. We need to be able to discuss mental health in a healthy way in order to prevent more suicides from happening. Treating mental health like it’s this forbidden topic that can’t be discussed in public is what prevents those dealing with mental illness from reaching out and getting the help they need. You’re not crazy, you’re not selfish or overdramatic, what you’re feeling is valid and you are more than worthy of receiving the care that you need.

I was terrified to admit that I needed help. I already had too much on my plate; I didn’t want to add mental illness on top of it.  The way people approach mental health is where the problem lies. On one end you have those that treat it like it’s something to be looked down on. It’s finally having the courage to open up to your “friends” and being met with stares and silence or backlash and thinking “shit, let’s never do that again.” On the other end you have people that romanticize mental illness, which only adds to the stigma. It’s watching a show like 13 Reasons Why and seeing a girl kill herself and use suicide as a revenge method to torture her peers. It’s watching the producers of a show change the method used in the book just so they could make the scene bloodier for shock value in the same way a horror director would use a decapitation scene. Exploiting mental illness and suicide is not how you spread awareness. Furthermore – having a show centered on suicide and not mentioning how mental health plays a huge factor or offering any alternatives to suicide and how to get help is counterproductive.

We have to start looking at mental illness for what it is – an illness. It can affect your life both mentally and physically and it can mean life or death for a lot of individuals that experience it. It’s our job to end the stigma surrounding mental health and start being a beacon of hope in the lives of those that need it the most. There’s no magic trick to dealing with mental health. It’s a combination of treatment, therapy and healthy coping methods. It’s about taking care of yourself and your well-being and surrounding yourself with a support group that is loving and will be there for you through your recovery.

Getting help is never easy. It can be terrifying to put yourself out there and say that you need help but I promise you that you do not have to go through this alone. You are loved, you are important, and you owe it to yourself to get the help you need. Suicide is a very permanent end to your problems and there are so many alternatives available that can help assist you. In addition to that, there are a wide variety of organizations dedicated to providing hope and resources to those dealing with mental illness. As many of you know, music is my biggest ally when it comes to combating my mental illness and a lot of these organizations use music as a way to reach out to those in need and connect with them on a personal level. Whether you need to a place to share your story without judgment, connect with others dealing with similar situations, or an opportunity to give back and help those find hope, these organizations can be a huge help.

Can You Hear Me: A movement dedicated to giving teens an online outlet to share their story and be heard without fear of judgment.

Heart Support: A non-profit organization whose goal is to unite the music scene through hope and faith to build a community so no one has to suffer alone.

Hope For the Day: A non-profit outreach program that focuses on suicide prevention by providing education on mental health through self-expression platforms.

To Write Love on Her Arms: A non-profit dedicated to presenting hope and find help for those struggling with addiction, mental illness, self-harm and suicide prevention.

In addition here is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1 (800) 273-8255

And a link to the online chat for those that are more comfortable with chating online instead of over the phone.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s not okay to suffer alone because you don’t have to. You can survive this.

I’m a huge advocate for supporting women, especially in the music scene. The music scene is no longer just a boys club and there are a huge number of women from all different walks of life, dominating and tearing up the scene and it’s not going to stop any time soon. Seeing strong women make a name for themselves and grab rock n roll by the balls is more than inspiring. Whether you’re an aspiring musician, someone that wants to work in the music business, or just want to some positive role models in your life – just experiencing these women live or hearing their stories can impact your life in some shape or form.

One of my biggest influences is Lindsey Way, the bassist in Mindless Self Indulgence. For years, Lindsey has been a role model for me and so many other young women. From being an incredible performer, a talented artist (despite not even finishing art school), being an advocate for fiercely supporting women’s rights and equality, on top of being an amazing parent. You know those people that are just effortlessly cool and you’re like “oh wow, I need to be their best friend”? That’s Lindsey. My girl taught herself to play bass in a week and completely nailed the audition to be MSI’s bass play by almost setting the room (and lead singer Jimmy Urine) on fire. If that doesn’t inspire you to go after what you want, then I don’t know what will.

One of more frustrating things about being a woman in the music business has to deal with those that want to discredit you simply because you’re female. Hearing things like “whose girlfriend are you?” “You can’t be back here unless you’re working.” "What's it like to be a girl in a band?" The list goes on. Because clearly, you can’t be backstage at a show unless you’re trying to sleep with the band, it’s not like there’s female musicians, techs, merchandising managers, tour managers, and so on. In times like this I’d like to refer to one of my favorite tweets from Lindsey, “I’m not fucking the bass player, I AM the fucking bass player.”

Now, before this turns into an essay about my love for Lindsey, I’d like to shed light on a few other women in rock that have inspired me in one way or another. Whether they’ve inspired me to love myself, fight for what I believe in, to go after what I want, or to stand up for myself and live unapologetically. Here are a few of the bands and women that have made an impact on me, the music scene, and are continuously paving the way for those to come.

1.      Lindsey Way and Jennifer “Kitty” Dunn (Mindless Self Indulgence):

2.      Hayley Williams (Paramore):

3.      Chantal Claret:

4.      Ash Costello (New Year’s Day):

5.      Brody Dalle (The Distiller’s):

6.      Sierra Kusterbeck (VersaEmerge):

7.      Lynn Gunn (PVRIS):

8.      Courtney Love (Hole):

9.      Kathleen Hanna (Bikini Kill):

10.  Cassadee Pope (Hey Monday RIP):

11.  Taylor Momsen (The Pretty Reckless):

This is only a glimpse of the many women that have inspired me. Huge shout out to all of the women in the music world that have impacted my life. Cheers to the women on stage, and especially those behind the scenes that continuously make things happen and help run the show. The women in the audience thrashing around in the pit, screaming every word back at the artists on stage. The future of rock is in your hands.

“Every night I sweat, I hurt myself and I don’t stop until the job is done because I want every little girl in the audience to walk away thinking that this is possible, that they can do this.”- Lindsey Way.

With only a few short months left before Warped Tour begins it’s time to start getting prepared for what you’ll need to make it through your Warped date. Warped Tour can be a lot of fun but there are a few things you can do to make it even better and ensure that you’re making the most out of your festival experience. So, here’s a quick guide to Warped to help you along your way.

Make sure you have your ticket with you or on your phone. This should be a given but things happen, things get left behind or deleted and the last thing you want is to arrive at your Warped date and discover your ticket is gone.

Get familiar with the lineup and the stages. Warped Tour can be very hectic and a little overwhelming. There’s a lot happening at once and there’s a ton of different stages all across the venue where you can enjoy all of the rad music there throughout the day. Plan and figure out what bands are your priority and what stages they’ll be at. Set times are released at the start of each show so you’ll have no idea what time the band’s go on until the morning of your Warped date. Keep an eye on social media and have a schedule with you so you won’t miss out on any of your must-see bands at Warped and hopefully none of your faves will be performing at the same time. You can keep up with a paper copy or install the free Vans Warped Tour app on your phone and keep a mobile schedule, complete with notifications for when your faves go on.

Bring a small backpack to keep with your belongings. You’re going to want a bag with you to help keep up with your things as well as help you keep up with the merch you’re going to buy at the festival. On top of all the band merch and official Vans gear that’s available at the show, there will be a ton of amazing non-profits and brands that will be at each date and all of them will have their own booths full of merchandise and other cool handouts that you’ll want to keep up with. Even if you don't have your own, most booths will be giving away tons of cool gear, including backpacks.

Make sure your phone is fully charged. We know all too well how the battery life on our phones can let us down when we need them the most. You’re going to want to take pictures and document your time at Warped so make sure your phone is fully charged. Portable chargers are also a huge help and you can throw one in your bag to use to give your phone some extra life during the show. I also believe there were charging stations throughout the venue, so be on the lookout.

Bring cash. Obviously, you’re going to want to bring some cash along with you. You know you’re going to want to pick up some merch or buy food or drinks while you’re at the show so bringing along some cash is a must! One thing to consider is that some booths might not have a card reader or they may have one and it’s suddenly not working so always have some actual cash with you just in case that happens.

Wear sunscreen. I cannot stress this enough, you’re going to need sunscreen. I don’t care how impervious you think you are to burning, that hot summer sun is not going to care and you will end up looking like the most pop punk lobster that ever existed. Put some on before you get the show and bring it with you so that you can reapply it as needed at the festival. And trust me; you’re going to need it.

Wear practical clothes and shoes. It’s going to be incredibly hot and the last thing you’re going to want is to wear something that’s going to make you miserable.  Those black skinny jeans and leather jacket may look amazing but it’s definitely not Warped Tour material. You’re going to want to wear something light and comfy so you can enjoy the show without feeling like you’re about to die of a heat stroke in the middle of your favorite band’s set. The stages are scattered across the venue and you’re going to be doing a lot of walking so wearing comfortable shoes are a must. Whatever shoes you feel will be the best for walking and standing around for hours are the ones you’ll want to go with. If you plan to accessorize, be smart about it. Bring some cheap sunglasses so that if something happens to them or they end up breaking, you won’t be too crushed about it.

Bring water and snacks. Staying hydrated and refueling is super important so make sure to bring some water and some light snacks with you. You don’t want to end up getting sick or passing out so it’s important to have something with you to prevent that. Plus, if you’re not trying to pay ridiculous concession stand prices for a simple meal or drink you’re going to want to bring your own stuff. You can bring bottled water or if you have a refillable water bottle you can fill it up for free at the Cool Gear booth.

Locate the shade tents and other ways to beat the heat. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s going to be hot and if the heat starts to get to you there are plenty of ways to cool off. There will be multiple shade tents around the venue where you can take a break in the shade and get out of the sun. There’s also a slip and slide if you’re looking to really cool off. You could also get a tiny portable fan to throw in your bag.

If you’re going to wear makeup: sweat-proof is the key. For those that wish to wear makeup to Warped, it’s all about making sure your face doesn’t melt off while you’re jamming in the pit. Try to go as light as possible with your products so that you won’t have to worry about heavy makeup sitting on your face all day. You want to be comfortable and you don’t want to have to worry about your makeup getting in the way. Try to use waterproof and smudge-proof products so that you won't have to worry about your winged liner flying away halfway through the day or your mascara running down your face.

Alright guys, that’s it for this survival guide. Let me know what sort of things you have in your survival guide or any tips you want to add.

Till next time.

For me, self-love is one of the hardest concepts to grasp. It’s something that I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. When I checked my subscription box this morning I saw a video from Hello Katy on YouTube titled “My Thick Thighs” and I’m so glad I watched it. It was perfect timing because just minutes before I clicked on it, I had looked in the mirror while getting ready and immediately started saying how much I hated what I saw. It inspired me to sit down and think about just why is it so hard for me to say “I love you” to myself.

When it comes to those around me, I can always find beauty and things I love about them. Whether it’s my friends, family, or someone on the internet, I can easily sit there and say what I love about them and why they should love themselves. I tend to have a bit of a savior complex, always wanting to help others find it within themselves to love themselves and their bodies because loving others is easy for me. Whenever I see someone talking about how much they hate themselves I immediately turn into Leslie Knope and I make it my job to uplift them and tell them just how amazing they are. But when it comes to myself and my own body, I can sit and tear myself to shreds without even batting an eye.

The amount of times I’ve looked in the mirror and cried because of what I saw is astounding. The times I’ve cried myself to sleep over how much I hated myself is all too frequent. I’ve never understood why it was so easy to look at myself and feel compelled to openly tear myself to pieces, nitpicking at every little imperfection, tearing away at myself till there’s nothing left. I’m always the first to uplift my friends and tell them they should love themselves and tell them how beautiful they are, inside and out; but I feel like such hypocrite for telling them to love themselves when I can’t even look in the mirror without crying.

It’s hard to love the parts of yourself that are imperfect when you’ve been told your whole life that you should hate them. When getting ready to go out with my friends I sit there and give myself a pep talk to even find it in me to get up and join them. Getting ready takes forever, not because I’m spending time on my hair or makeup, but because I’ll change outfits two or three times because I felt hideous in the first one. Wearing shorts or tops that show my arms take a lot out of me because the whole time I’m hyper-aware of how thick my thighs are or how uncomfortable I am with my arms. Crop tops were completely out of the question. It’s hard to feel beautiful when you’ve had every single negative and hateful comment ingrained into your head. I’ve heard it all, every backhanded comment and the looks, they replay every time I get dressed to leave the house. It’s hard always being the butt of the joke or having someone smile in your face when you heard the shitty comment they made about your body just minutes ago, when they thought you weren’t listening. Those were the moments playing in the back of my head when I would hide out in the bathroom and throw up the meal I had just ate. Those same hateful things said about me were the things I’d tell myself when I’d skip a meal. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to eat around others because I didn’t want them to see me eat. I would have rather cut away pieces of my body than to sit there and eat a meal in public like a normal human being.

Talking about my eating disorder is always hard for me to do. Talking about any mental health issue is hard because they're dark and dreary and no one ever wants to expose those parts of themselves. I didn't want anyone to know that they got to me. I wanted to pretend that I was strong and that their words didn't break me but I eventually reached my breaking point. All through school I had to deal with people picking apart my body more so than I already was. So as a result I began purging after I ate, which lasted for a while until my mom finally heard me throwing up after dinner and began keeping a close eye on me. When I finally left for college one of the things I was glad about was that I'd be on my own so no one would notice If I wasn't eating. Part of me was hoping that people would get better and I wouldn't even have to worry about my issues but unfortunately that was wishful thinking. Just because people get older doesn't mean their shitty qualities fade. But if there's one thing I'm good at, it's forcing a smile and pretending like I'm not dying inside. 

While I’m proud of myself for the fact that I haven’t forced myself to purge in a couple of years, the urge is still there. I’m still fighting with myself every single day to be good to myself instead of destroying my body. It’s an everyday process to build up your self-esteem and find it within yourself to love yourself. Especially when you’ve spent so long hating yourself. Hell, I remember looking back at old home videos of family vacations and seeing myself in a halter top and I felt disgusted and I remember being so angry with my mom for letting my go out in that and she just turned to me and said, “Mikayla, you were eight. You were a child.” When you’re a kid you don’t know that something’s “wrong” with you until someone points it out. I was kind of okay with myself until the first time of my friends called me “fat.” You can go out with your friends and start off having a good night and then hear a rude comment and it immediately turn your whole mood around.

One of the things that I’ve tried to do to is to surround myself with people that support and uplift each other. I cannot stress just how important it is to have a good support system because without it, the only things I’d have to go on would be the negative and that would be so damaging to any progress that I’ve tried to make. Having that positive energy around you is essential to your growth and well-being. Try to stop picking apart your body and start finding things that you do love about yourself. Have something that always makes you feel confident and beautiful, whether it be an accessory or your favorite top – whatever. For me, it’s always my band tees or my combat boots. I also have certain songs that always make me feel better, so I’ll listen to those while I’m getting ready to try to lift my mood. Whatever little tricks you have to get yourself out of that slump. Talk to your friends, tell them how you’re feeling and work with someone If you feel you can’t do it alone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. 

Bottom line: you can’t keep beating yourself up and hurting yourself because you feel that you’re not good enough. You are more than enough. Learn to love yourself and treat yourself like the beauty that you are. Think of it like this: the next time you look into the mirror picture that you’re talking to best friend. Would you stand there and tell your best friend that they were hideous, fat, ugly, etc.? Then why continue to say those things to yourself? Unfortunately, I can’t change the things that others have said about me or take away how shitty they made me feel but I can control what I tell myself. It’s not easy, I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly feel like a brand new person. I’m still going to have bad days. What I can do is try my hardest to have more good days than bad. Because no matter how healthy I eat or how much I work out – nothing is going to change unless I work on what’s on the inside as well.

Okay, we’re about to get a little dark but there’s no other way to discuss this truthfully without getting a bit dark. I was inspired to write this after listening to As It Is's new track "Okay." Now, I can’t speak for everyone so I’m not going to try, I can only speak of what it’s like for me. Mental Illness can be a real bitch some times. It’s unforgiving, unapologetic, and downright rude. Sometimes it’s a mild anxious feeling while you’re in public, other times it’s full on panic attacks, lying on the floor, clutching your chest while you struggle to catch your breath. Sometimes it’s “I’m feeling a bit down right now”, other times it’s you sitting there thinking of ways to hang yourself in the garage.

It’s this sinking feeling that never really goes away. Thankfully, some days are better than others. When it hits, you never know how it’s going to affect you. There’s no way to prepare yourself, or others for the aftermath. For the most part, it’s a hell of a lot easier to deal with it when you’re alone because no one has to see how ugly it is. You’re free to breakdown from the comfort of your room. Other times you’re not so lucky and then someone always asks “are you okay”? And you’ll reply with “fine” to avoid further questions. I don’t think I’ve ever been fine. I’m never okay, but it’s easier than saying “yeah, I wanna die right now but give me a few minutes.”

So, what do you do? We each have our own ways of trying to bring ourselves out of that slump. Coping methods are a dime a dozen. Every article is always telling me to “just breathe” or “do some yoga”. Yeah well, yoga isn’t going to help me right now Barbra, so we gotta come up with another plan. A lot of the time, when I get down I can bring myself back up. It might take a while, but I’ll get there eventually. It doesn’t happen immediately, it’s not like magic. I’m going to feel like shit for a while but I always come back. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes a few days or weeks. When I’m trying to bring myself out of a depressive slump, I do any number of things: writing, listen to music, exercise, read, etc. What it all boils down to is distractions. I distract myself from the problem. Even then, it might not work because it’s hard to distract yourself if five minutes later you realize you were dissociating while your “anxiety” playlist was on.

One thing I’ve realized is that I’m a little messed up, and while that’s sad, it’s okay. A lot of the time I get so angry with myself because I wasn’t able to bring myself back up. It’s a bummer when you’ve spent so many years trying to “get better” and then mental illness shows up like “surprise bitch, bet you thought you’ve seen the last of me.” When that happens I have to remind myself that, this is something I’ll have always have to deal with but at least I’m a bit better at dealing with it now than I was when I was younger. It’s not always perfect. Sometimes I still separate myself and suffer in silence but sometimes I just have to do that. I’m not always going to want to talk about it, a lot of the time I can’t even properly express what I’m dealing with. Sometimes I’m going to sound angry or annoyed because I’m in one of my moods. I never want to take it out on others, but a lot of the time I can’t control how I say certain things or how I react. Sometimes certain sounds or noises will irritate me to the point where I’m almost in a rage. If I hear you humming or just speaking, I’ll want to snap. Sometimes I get so emotionally drained that I’m completely numb and I don’t feel anything. Nothing matters, I’ll have a blank expression, and I’ll sound annoyed. People take it so personal when you’re in a bad mood because they feel like they’ve done something. Like, “no, I don’t hate you, I hate myself.”

Does it actually "get better"? Yes and no. Whether I like it or not, mental illness is a part of me and I have to deal with it. I’ve felt this way for so long, I’m not even sure I know what being “okay” is. Sometimes it feels like I’m not even living, I’m just existing. It’s a hard concept to grasp and I hate it but I deal. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are times when I’m doing better and others when I’m not. There’s no trick to mental illness, there’s no secret to getting better. We just find what works for us and go from there; whether it’s medication, therapy, or our own personal methods – whatever. As long as those methods are healthy and don’t do more harm than good. Years ago my coping methods included hurting myself, self-medicating, forcing myself to throw up, and cutting people off. With time I found better methods and stopped taking it out on myself because of things I can’t control.  

Sometimes I feel like I’m just keeping myself alive to see how things play out. It’s like my life is a show and I’m kinda over it but I keep pushing “next episode” because I wanna know how it ends. Does it all work out? I won’t know until I get to the next season. Until then, I just have to keep surviving.

Here's a few song recommendations for when you're feeling less than okay:

Thanks to Mayday Parade for posting that incredibly nostalgia-inducing video for “The Problem with the Big Picture is that It’s Hard to See” and inspiring me to look back on the last 10 years of my life.

Looking back at my life 10 years ago is both cringe-worthy and interesting. Mainly because of the makeup and the clothing, but it’s nice to see how much has – and hasn’t – changed. 10 years ago I was 13, in the prime of my “emo days”, covered in eyeliner and band tees. That period of my life is one I’m actually grateful for because it introduced me to some of the greatest musical influences that still continue to have an impact on my life today. It’s also responsible for bringing some amazing people into my life that shared my love for music.  

At 13 I also experienced a series of things that left a lot of nasty scars – both mentally and physically. It was the first time I ever dealt with eating disorders, suicide, and other events that are still hard for me to talk about. It was the first time that I realized that certain things weren’t brought up in casual conversation because they were too dark and people would start to look at you differently. At a young age I was heavily affected by mental illness and it’s something that has continued to have an impact in my life and while I can’t say it’s gotten “easier” because that would be a lie, I have gotten better at finding better ways of coping. Looking back at the place I was in, the way I felt and remembering how angry and hopeless I felt is a terrible feeling. I still experience depressive moods and it’s not always easy to bring myself out of those moments, but I’m glad that I no longer cause myself even more suffering in order to do so.

One thing that has stuck with me through the years is my love for music. The same bands that graced my middle school iPod, you’ll find on my Apple Music playlist. The same band tees that I donned as a teenager, I still wear to this day. The songs that made you feel alive even when you didn’t want to be will always have that effect on you. That’s one of the things I admire most about music – no matter how many years go by it still manages to inspire and change lives. The bands that changed my life at young age, are still making an impact on the ones that fell in love with them at a young age like I did, as well as the ones that came after us. You see it when you attend shows and you see a whole new crop of fans, bright eyed and rocking their favorite band tee as they wait for their faves to grace the stage. I saw it when my younger cousin came to me to make him a playlist filled with classics from Fall Out Boy, MCR, Panic! At The Disco, and Green Day (y’all, I was so proud).

From 13 till now, I’m glad to say that I’ve grown and that a lot has changed. But I’m more than grateful that the things I was passionate about remain a staple in my life today. Though my makeup has improved, I’m pleased that I can still belt “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” at the top of my lungs.

A moment of silence for those bangs. RIP.

“I'm a bit too pop for the punk kids, but I'm too punk for the pop kids.”

The Summer Set recently released their newest album “Stories For Monday”. The album features 11 tracks, all of which are composed of infectious melodies and creative lyrics that deliver “nostalgia-ridden goodness.” These songs are honest and relatable. They remind you of nights out with your friends, reckless loves, and the joys that life can bring. You can listen to the album stream here.

For me, one song that stood out on the album was the opening track, “Figure Me Out.” The song talks about finding your place in life, which is something everyone has dealt with or is still dealing with. It touches on the struggle of finding where you fit in and your purpose in life.

“I'm a bit too pop for the punk kids, but I'm too punk for the pop kids

I don't know just where I fit in cause when I open my mouth I know nobody's listenin'

To the words of a prophet who still can't turn a profit.

Cause I don't fit in with the in crowd, but I'm too Hollywood to go back to my hometown.”

Those lyrics in particular touch on something that I’ve always dealt with. The feeling that you’re too much of one thing and not enough of the other to really find where you fit. When you’re into a little bit of everything it can be tricky to find those that share your interests. It’s disheartening when you’re with people that you feel you can’t truly be yourself around because they’re either not going to understand – or not care enough to listen. Everything I love and everything I am, it all clashes. Picture Elle Woods, if she was into punk, horror and comics.

Part of figuring yourself out is learning not to hide any aspect of what makes you who you are. Especially, if you’re hiding who you are in order to fit in. This is something I had to figure out as I got older and learned to accept myself. If you love something, you should talk about it. Find people that listen to you and accept every part of you, not just the parts that are the most convenient to them.  On the contrary, if someone shares a part of themselves with you, be open to listen to them even if it’s not something you’re into. No one is completely one dimensional. If all of the people in my life were exactly the same, it would be incredibly dull. Once you figure out the things that make you who you are, never let anyone make you feel bad about it. Find ways to express yourself when you feel like you’re not being heard. Don’t let others keep you from using your voice because someone out there will listen.

“Let's get back to the basics and take it back to the basement

Where I heard Born To Run for the first time and I stared at my dad in amazement

He said, "Son don't stop chasing great and keep pounding the pavement."

So I'd much rather die tryin' to make something sacred than live as another YouTube sensation.”

Another part of figuring yourself is finding your purpose in life. As you grow, you’ll change your mind about the things you want in life. And that’s totally okay. If you’re going to spend every day dedicating your life to something, it needs to be something that you’re passionate about. Don’t limit yourself; you owe it to yourself to do the things that make you happy. Allow yourself be inspired and go out and inspire others. This is connected to figuring out who you are and finding your voice. If you feel that you’re not being heard, find a way to use your voice and it could lead you to your purpose. Get loud, be bold, and discover new ways to express yourself. Whether it’s through writing, music, art – it doesn’t matter. As long as you’re doing what you want. When I felt that I wasn’t being heard, I turned to writing. If the people around me weren’t going to listen to me, I knew someone else out there would.

“But I believe there's more to life than all my problems maybe there's still hope for me to start again.”

A huge part of life is spent figuring yourself out. Figure out what makes you who you are and surround yourself with people that encourage you to be just that. Go out and find the things that make you passionate and do those things. It you thought you had it all figured out and you’re starting over, it’s okay. Things happen, setbacks occur, and life gets in the way. No matter what the case may be, there’s always a chance for you. A chance to start over, to continue to progress and go for the things you want. Never stop going after the things you want. But most importantly, never stop being unapologetically yourself. Never apologize for the things that you love or make you happy.