Okay, we’re about to
get a little dark but there’s no other way to discuss this truthfully without
getting a bit dark. I was inspired to write this after listening to As It Is's new track "Okay." Now, I can’t speak for everyone so I’m not going to try, I
can only speak of what it’s like for me. Mental Illness can be a real bitch
some times. It’s unforgiving, unapologetic, and downright rude. Sometimes it’s
a mild anxious feeling while you’re in public, other times it’s full on panic
attacks, lying on the floor, clutching your chest while you struggle to catch
your breath. Sometimes it’s “I’m feeling a bit down right now”, other times
it’s you sitting there thinking of ways to hang yourself in the garage.
It’s this sinking
feeling that never really goes away. Thankfully, some days are better than
others. When it hits, you never know how it’s going to affect you. There’s no
way to prepare yourself, or others for the aftermath. For the most part, it’s a
hell of a lot easier to deal with it when you’re alone because no one has to
see how ugly it is. You’re free to breakdown from the comfort of your room.
Other times you’re not so lucky and then someone always asks “are you okay”?
And you’ll reply with “fine” to avoid further questions. I don’t think I’ve
ever been fine. I’m never okay, but it’s easier than saying “yeah, I wanna die
right now but give me a few minutes.”
So, what do you do?
We each have our own ways of trying to bring ourselves out of that slump.
Coping methods are a dime a dozen. Every article is always telling me to “just
breathe” or “do some yoga”. Yeah well, yoga isn’t going to help me right now
Barbra, so we gotta come up with another plan. A lot of the time, when I get
down I can bring myself back up. It might take a while, but I’ll get there
eventually. It doesn’t happen immediately, it’s not like magic. I’m going to
feel like shit for a while but I always come back. Sometimes it takes a few
minutes, sometimes it takes a few days or weeks. When I’m trying to bring
myself out of a depressive slump, I do any number of things: writing, listen to
music, exercise, read, etc. What it all boils down to is distractions. I
distract myself from the problem. Even then, it might not work because it’s
hard to distract yourself if five minutes later you realize you were
dissociating while your “anxiety” playlist was on.
One thing I’ve
realized is that I’m a little messed up, and while that’s sad, it’s okay. A lot
of the time I get so angry with myself because I wasn’t able to bring myself
back up. It’s a bummer when you’ve spent so many years trying to “get better”
and then mental illness shows up like “surprise bitch, bet you thought you’ve
seen the last of me.” When that happens I have to remind myself that, this is
something I’ll have always have to deal with but at least I’m a bit better at
dealing with it now than I was when I was younger. It’s not always perfect.
Sometimes I still separate myself and suffer in silence but sometimes I just
have to do that. I’m not always going to want to talk about it, a lot of the
time I can’t even properly express what I’m dealing with. Sometimes I’m going
to sound angry or annoyed because I’m in one of my moods. I never want to take
it out on others, but a lot of the time I can’t control how I say certain
things or how I react. Sometimes certain sounds or noises will irritate me to
the point where I’m almost in a rage. If I hear you humming or just speaking,
I’ll want to snap. Sometimes I get so emotionally drained that I’m completely
numb and I don’t feel anything. Nothing matters, I’ll have a blank expression,
and I’ll sound annoyed. People take it so personal when you’re in a bad mood
because they feel like they’ve done something. Like, “no, I don’t hate you, I
hate myself.”
Does it actually "get better"? Yes and no. Whether I
like it or not, mental illness is a part of me and I have to deal with it. I’ve
felt this way for so long, I’m not even sure I know what being “okay” is.
Sometimes it feels like I’m not even living, I’m just existing. It’s a hard
concept to grasp and I hate it but I deal. I’ve come to terms with the fact
that there are times when I’m doing better and others when I’m not. There’s no
trick to mental illness, there’s no secret to getting better. We just find what
works for us and go from there; whether it’s medication, therapy, or our own
personal methods – whatever. As long as those methods are healthy and don’t do
more harm than good. Years ago my coping methods included hurting myself,
self-medicating, forcing myself to throw up, and cutting people off. With time
I found better methods and stopped taking it out on myself because of things I
can’t control.
Sometimes I feel like
I’m just keeping myself alive to see how things play out. It’s like my life is
a show and I’m kinda over it but I keep pushing “next episode” because I wanna
know how it ends. Does it all work out? I won’t know until I get to the next
season. Until then, I just have to keep surviving.
Here's a few song recommendations for when you're feeling less than okay:
Here's a few song recommendations for when you're feeling less than okay:
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