"Tales Told By Dead Friends"

Thanks to Mayday Parade for posting that incredibly nostalgia-inducing video for “The Problem with the Big Picture is that It’s Hard to See” and inspiring me to look back on the last 10 years of my life.

Looking back at my life 10 years ago is both cringe-worthy and interesting. Mainly because of the makeup and the clothing, but it’s nice to see how much has – and hasn’t – changed. 10 years ago I was 13, in the prime of my “emo days”, covered in eyeliner and band tees. That period of my life is one I’m actually grateful for because it introduced me to some of the greatest musical influences that still continue to have an impact on my life today. It’s also responsible for bringing some amazing people into my life that shared my love for music.

At 13 I also experienced a series of things that left a lot of nasty scars – both mentally and physically. It was the first time I ever dealt with eating disorders, suicide, and other events that are still hard for me to talk about. It was the first time that I realized that certain things weren’t brought up in casual conversation because they were too dark and people would start to look at you differently. At a young age I was heavily affected by mental illness and it’s something that has continued to have an impact in my life and while I can’t say it’s gotten “easier” because that would be a lie, I have gotten better at finding better ways of coping. Looking back at the place I was in, the way I felt and remembering how angry and hopeless I felt is a terrible feeling. I still experience depressive moods and it’s not always easy to bring myself out of those moments, but I’m glad that I no longer cause myself even more suffering in order to do so.

One thing that has stuck with me through the years is my love for music. The same bands that graced my middle school iPod, you’ll find on my Apple Music playlist. The same band tees that I donned as a teenager, I still wear to this day. The songs that made you feel alive even when you didn’t want to be will always have that effect on you. That’s one of the things I admire most about music – no matter how many years go by it still manages to inspire and change lives. The bands that changed my life at young age, are still making an impact on the ones that fell in love with them at a young age like I did, as well as the ones that came after us. You see it when you attend shows and you see a whole new crop of fans, bright eyed and rocking their favorite band tee as they wait for their faves to grace the stage. I saw it when my younger cousin came to me to make him a playlist filled with classics from Fall Out Boy, MCR, Panic! At The Disco, and Green Day (y’all, I was so proud).

From 13 till now, I’m glad to say that I’ve grown and that a lot has changed. But I’m more than grateful that the things I was passionate about remain a staple in my life today. Though my makeup has improved, I’m pleased that I can still belt “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” at the top of my lungs.