Fighting to Love Yourself

For me, self-love is one of the hardest concepts to grasp. It’s something that I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. When I checked my subscription box this morning I saw a video from Hello Katy on YouTube titled “My Thick Thighs” and I’m so glad I watched it. It was perfect timing because just minutes before I clicked on it, I had looked in the mirror while getting ready and immediately started saying how much I hated what I saw. It inspired me to sit down and think about just why is it so hard for me to say “I love you” to myself.

When it comes to those around me, I can always find beauty and things I love about them. Whether it’s my friends, family, or someone on the internet, I can easily sit there and say what I love about them and why they should love themselves. I tend to have a bit of a savior complex, always wanting to help others find it within themselves to love themselves and their bodies because loving others is easy for me. Whenever I see someone talking about how much they hate themselves I immediately turn into Leslie Knope and I make it my job to uplift them and tell them just how amazing they are. But when it comes to myself and my own body, I can sit and tear myself to shreds without even batting an eye.

The amount of times I’ve looked in the mirror and cried because of what I saw is astounding. The times I’ve cried myself to sleep over how much I hated myself is all too frequent. I’ve never understood why it was so easy to look at myself and feel compelled to openly tear myself to pieces, nitpicking at every little imperfection, tearing away at myself till there’s nothing left. I’m always the first to uplift my friends and tell them they should love themselves and tell them how beautiful they are, inside and out; but I feel like such hypocrite for telling them to love themselves when I can’t even look in the mirror without crying.

It’s hard to love the parts of yourself that are imperfect when you’ve been told your whole life that you should hate them. When getting ready to go out with my friends I sit there and give myself a pep talk to even find it in me to get up and join them. Getting ready takes forever, not because I’m spending time on my hair or makeup, but because I’ll change outfits two or three times because I felt hideous in the first one. Wearing shorts or tops that show my arms take a lot out of me because the whole time I’m hyper-aware of how thick my thighs are or how uncomfortable I am with my arms. Crop tops were completely out of the question. It’s hard to feel beautiful when you’ve had every single negative and hateful comment ingrained into your head. I’ve heard it all, every backhanded comment and the looks, they replay every time I get dressed to leave the house. It’s hard always being the butt of the joke or having someone smile in your face when you heard the shitty comment they made about your body just minutes ago, when they thought you weren’t listening. Those were the moments playing in the back of my head when I would hide out in the bathroom and throw up the meal I had just ate. Those same hateful things said about me were the things I’d tell myself when I’d skip a meal. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to eat around others because I didn’t want them to see me eat. I would have rather cut away pieces of my body than to sit there and eat a meal in public like a normal human being.

Talking about my eating disorder is always hard for me to do. Talking about any mental health issue is hard because they're dark and dreary and no one ever wants to expose those parts of themselves. I didn't want anyone to know that they got to me. I wanted to pretend that I was strong and that their words didn't break me but I eventually reached my breaking point. All through school I had to deal with people picking apart my body more so than I already was. So as a result I began purging after I ate, which lasted for a while until my mom finally heard me throwing up after dinner and began keeping a close eye on me. When I finally left for college one of the things I was glad about was that I'd be on my own so no one would notice If I wasn't eating. Part of me was hoping that people would get better and I wouldn't even have to worry about my issues but unfortunately that was wishful thinking. Just because people get older doesn't mean their shitty qualities fade. But if there's one thing I'm good at, it's forcing a smile and pretending like I'm not dying inside. 

While I’m proud of myself for the fact that I haven’t forced myself to purge in a couple of years, the urge is still there. I’m still fighting with myself every single day to be good to myself instead of destroying my body. It’s an everyday process to build up your self-esteem and find it within yourself to love yourself. Especially when you’ve spent so long hating yourself. Hell, I remember looking back at old home videos of family vacations and seeing myself in a halter top and I felt disgusted and I remember being so angry with my mom for letting my go out in that and she just turned to me and said, “Mikayla, you were eight. You were a child.” When you’re a kid you don’t know that something’s “wrong” with you until someone points it out. I was kind of okay with myself until the first time of my friends called me “fat.” You can go out with your friends and start off having a good night and then hear a rude comment and it immediately turn your whole mood around.

One of the things that I’ve tried to do to is to surround myself with people that support and uplift each other. I cannot stress just how important it is to have a good support system because without it, the only things I’d have to go on would be the negative and that would be so damaging to any progress that I’ve tried to make. Having that positive energy around you is essential to your growth and well-being. Try to stop picking apart your body and start finding things that you do love about yourself. Have something that always makes you feel confident and beautiful, whether it be an accessory or your favorite top – whatever. For me, it’s always my band tees or my combat boots. I also have certain songs that always make me feel better, so I’ll listen to those while I’m getting ready to try to lift my mood. Whatever little tricks you have to get yourself out of that slump. Talk to your friends, tell them how you’re feeling and work with someone If you feel you can’t do it alone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. 

Bottom line: you can’t keep beating yourself up and hurting yourself because you feel that you’re not good enough. You are more than enough. Learn to love yourself and treat yourself like the beauty that you are. Think of it like this: the next time you look into the mirror picture that you’re talking to best friend. Would you stand there and tell your best friend that they were hideous, fat, ugly, etc.? Then why continue to say those things to yourself? Unfortunately, I can’t change the things that others have said about me or take away how shitty they made me feel but I can control what I tell myself. It’s not easy, I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly feel like a brand new person. I’m still going to have bad days. What I can do is try my hardest to have more good days than bad. Because no matter how healthy I eat or how much I work out – nothing is going to change unless I work on what’s on the inside as well.